Thursday, April 11, 2013

My Struggle (Part 3)

This is Part 3 of 4. If you haven't read parts 1&2 you will probably want to do that.

We got married 3/22/08 and I weighed around 145 or so. I don't know if it was the birth control or what but after we got married I gained like 40-50 lbs in 4-5 months. It could be that we ate out a lot and I was really more relaxed in my eating. Maybe it was a combination of both. I was miserable. I started running but I couldn't lose weight. I worked out hard but scale would not move. It was so frustrating. I just wanted to give up!

None of my clothes fit, I felt terrible about myself. I decided to try weight watchers. I knew a few people that did weight watchers and they lost a lot of weight. I figured it couldn't hurt. I followed the program for 3 months or so and lost around 25-30 lbs. I was feeling good even though I still had a ways to go.

I ended up going on vacation and didn't track at all. I tried to get back on track but just couldn't. Life was busy and bad habits crept back up. I gained back all the weight within a few months.

I started and restarted weight watchers so many times I have lost count. I even thought i would have to join one further away because it was embarrassing. Every time the weight watchers receptionist asked "is this your first time and I said "no" I felt like a loser. I never got to my goal weight or followed the program for longer than 3 months. I'm not sure why 3 months tends to be a hurdle for me but it is. Please don't think I'm hating on weight watchers because I believe in the program, I just never found the discipline to see it through.

A friend told me about a wellness and weight loss doctor. It was a weight loss program designed by a doctor to lose large amounts of weight. The doctor would prescribe diet pills, b12 shots, and HCG but also have your meet with a nutritionist. To me this sounded like a plan for me. I made an appointment got a full physical that included blood work and an EKG. I weighed in at 205. I almost cried when I saw that weight on the scale. I could not believe I let myself go. This was about May 2010. I again stuck with this for a few months then it got expensive so I stopped going. I can say I never really changed my habits just took the pills which made me not want to eat. I was not being healthy. The lowest weight I got to was about 165.

August 2012 I was by far the heaviest I had ever been. I gained all my weight back plus some. None of my "fat" clothes fit. The only clothes I could wear were elastic band or stretchy dresses. I preferred to buy these type of items because It meant I didn't have to look at a number size. I was wearing an XL in Old Navy! I remember trying on a pair of pants that were 18 and they were TIGHT! I'm pretty sure I left the the dressing room in tears. How could I have done this to myself? I was totally disgusted by what I saw in the mirror.

I became withdrawn. I didn't want to go anywhere or even see anyone. I would make excuses on why I couldn't meet up with friends because I felt so bad with the way I looked. I was so uncomfortable in my own skin. I didn't care about how I dressed at work, or anywhere. I hating shopping or buying new clothes. (Not like me at all) I was dressing more and more sloppy, I even stopped wearing makeup or putting effort into my hair. I just didn't care. I felt defeated. I felt hopeless.
I felt fat and ugly. I was extremely depressed all I wanted to do was eat and sleep.

September 10, 2012 I made an appointment with the wellness and weightloss doctor. I was at my breaking point and I knew I needed help. I knew I needed to change my life drastically. I also wanted to make sure I did it the right way for once!

I think the last straw for me was getting winded going up 1 floor. I thought to myself, this cannot be happening to me? Am I really that person? I was 25, in my prime, but I felt like an old woman. I felt my life was passing me by. My grandma used to tell me all the time I was going to become diabetic. Suddenly I got this fear that I could have diabetes and not even know it!

I went to my doctors appointment feeling overcome by nerves and fear. First thing they did was take my weight. I tipped the scale at 215.5! (I can't believe i just posted that) My heaviest weight, EVER! I remember freaking out when I first got to 200, but I was less than 5lbs from being in the 220!! I also found out I had higher than normal blood pressure (not high enough to be on medication but high enough to get a warning from my doctor). I had never had high blood pressure before. My weight was not only affecting the way I felt, but truly affecting my health. Luckily my EKG and blood work came back normal. I was really doing harm to my body and knew it was just a matter of time. My BMI was 34.8 (obese). There was no denying I was extremely overweight.

I will end this story tomorrow in part 4. Sorry for the long posts but it's a life long struggle that has seemed to be never ending. Check back tomorrow after 5pm.

The picture below was August 2011 I was around 200. (Not even my heaviest).

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